Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
