I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
