Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
