If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We left the knife in your bed.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
