At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
