New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
