TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
