Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
