Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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