She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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