I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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