At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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