Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
