i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
