Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We left the knife in your bed.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
