I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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