my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I want a musical about memes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
