Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
