Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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