you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
