I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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