I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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