and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
