My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
