Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
