Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
