I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
