I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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