aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
