cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
