Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The adults are the big ones right?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
