we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
