Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
