that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
