Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
