I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
