why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
