OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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