My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
