All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
