Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
