TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
