Kiss
Puke
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
