Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize