the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
