i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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