I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
