Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
