Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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