The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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