just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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