What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
