Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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