I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
