Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
