Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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