I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize