Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
