I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
