Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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