I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
