I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
