I puked a lego.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
