The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize